The fifty shades of grey of lockdown

Never I thought that one day I would experience a pandemic, even less a fake one!  Life is unpredictable and it certainly is right now while I am writing in spring 2020.        It has been just over two months since the so called ‘lockdown’ has started in UK and I have been experiencing all sorts of inner states while coping with this strange situation.

Lockdown                                                                                                                                                                                             I know that the world has become quite still out there even if it is still alive and, looking at the empty streets, it seems that everybody has decided to go somewhere else or is playing ‘hide and seek’.                                                                                                                            Not many people seem willing to share much either, except on social media where of course there is the usual noise …                                                                                                                      We have all gone inside for a reason or another, not only in our own physical homes, but we have withdrawn to an inner dimension.                                                                                    It’s a very interesting situation to be in and, for the first time in my life, I am experiencing true relaxation and letting go of all my worries: who doesn’t have some?  Since the imposition to stay at home has been inforced on UK citizens, I have been feeling a strange sense of bliss and freedom, as if I had won unexpectedly the lottery! Because this makes no sense whatsoever, I have been paying attention to my reason less and less and I have focused on my deep feeling of well-being that seems to be so strong that I can’t possibly ignore it.                                                                                                            The weather seemed to cooperate too, strangely enough, and the sun seemed to want to bless us all for most of the time for a couple of months: I have never experienced such a glorious spring in twenty-two years of living in this country.               I am obliged to stay at home, fortunately I have got the possibility to enjoy my garden and even sunbathing as I never done before, wow!                                                          The sun is shining, the heat is increasing and I am allowing myself to go deep inside myself and explore my inner landscape …

The stream of consciousness                                                                                                                              During these two months I have explored my inner states and emotions and it would be quite difficult to report or track them all, so I thought to put pen to paper to have a record of what has been going on in myself before I start forgetting.                                         I wanted to write about this subject for a while, but it seemed that every time I wanted to do it, the moment was not appropriate as there was something else popping up and then something unexpected would happen and so on and so forth.      When eventually I was feeling in the right frame of mind to sit down and do it, I realised that I didn’t know where to start, which is pretty unusual for me: I love writing since I learnt to write which is a while back.                                                                            So to oblige myself to sit down and do it, however it might come out of my finger tips, I thought I would simply list a series of major thoughts/concepts/feelings that came to the forefront of my consciousness with no particular order of importance and no censorship.  I am willing to bare my soul naked!                                                                                     In the chaos everything is important because one doesn’t know what will prevale in the end.                                                                                                                                                                            These are my ‘fifty shades of grey’ because grey is the only colour that comes up in such a confusion where everything is mixed together and is the result of all colours.      Fifty because is a huge number but for practical reasons I am only listing the major ones here.

Fifty shades of grey                                                                                                                                                                     – I am fine and all is well.                                                                                                                                            I felt a deep sense of well-being for being able to destructure my days more and more and follow my intuition and moods.                                                                                                        Most of the time I paid attention to what was important in the moment, rather than to the logical thing to do because of necessity.                                                                                           I so welcomed this opportunity even though it had its disadvantages like lack of work, restriction of movement, having to queue for food shopping, public places closed for indefinite time, having to wash one’s hands one too many times a day, etc.

– I should do something about my finances.                                                                                          Yes, this was what my ratio and intellect were telling me, but in fact in such a situation there was very little that one could do about that and possibly it was much more important for once to seize and enjoy the day without thinking about tomorrow: relax and look inside for what is willing to emerge, rather than planning to do anything in particular not considering the peculiar situation.

– I should go out and help others otherwise I am selfish.                                                            Helping others is always something very commendable, but when was the last time that I had really helped myself by allowing myself to be, even with the permission of the government?                                                                                                                                                    Well, I don’t recall that ever happened in my whole life, maybe I should really treasure this moment, rather than start distracting myself from the real inner work that I should do in such a situation: breathe deeply and don’t get distracted Gabriella, now is the time, now or never!

– My parents are in their 90s, what if they die?                                                                                  That’s true, my parents are old, but if they made it so far and they even survived a world war, the chances are that they might survive a fake pandemic as well.                        We can all die at any moment anyhow, this is the only truth, so let’s forget about them, as they are very well looked after where they are in Italy.                                                For once if they ask you when you are going to visit them, you can answer without feeling any guilt that you can’t because of the lockdown: you are telling them the truth and for once your life is made easy (normally I would go into inner mode and start reviewing all the reasons why I can go or/and I can’t go).

– I should reinvent my business, shouldn’t I?                                                                                              Yes, I should review things, it is always a good practice, but what about doing something so irresponsible for once and ignore what the monkey mind is telling me to do and instead follow my heart and my impulses that actually are telling me to stop everything, face any fear coming up and let it go?                                                                How long will this ‘peaceful’ and surreal situation go on?                                                                   I don’t know, so I don’t want to waste this precious time and I would rather be in the moment and forget all reasonable reviewing.                                                                                        Once I have done my own inner reviewing, I will function much better and will also be full of ideas so why not just drop everything and face the biggest of fears which is doing nothing if I feel like it and be okay with it?

– Why am I feeling relaxed when I should be worrying?                                                                 The world is going mad, countries are closed, there is no travelling between them, no flights, no shops open except for the mere necessities like food, no social activities or public places open, no medical or dentist appointments available, all worshiping places are closed, trains are running to a minimum and I am feeling okay?                  Why not?   The only place where I have ultimate sovereignty is inside, so why not tend to my inner territory for a change?                                                                                                                       In my ‘inner garden’ I can change whatever I want without having to ask permission to anybody and by doing so I can really alter my outer reality.                                                         I know, I normally don’t think about it, but what if it were the most important work to do in life?

– Why are people going around wearing a mask when it is useless to stop viruses?         It is true that masks don’t stop viruses, even well experienced doctors and scientists say so, but that doesn’t mean that people will take heed of that, as we all know, we are emotional beings that act irrationally most of the times, including myself!       Wearing a mask is possibly more of an emotional and psychological protection rather than an effective one, but if that helps people feel more secure, why not?              I should rather focus on my own inner truth and inner work as the rest of the world will take care of itself anyhow.                                                                                                                              It is time to observe with a detached mind and attitude whatever is going on outside and inside, it is time for deep transformation and this is just the beginning, so I have to pace myself because I don’t know how long this marathon is going to go for.

– Why do I have to queue every time I have to go shopping for food?                                   Yes, queuing is an imposition that could be avoided and people should simply use their common sense with keeping a good distance and not buy half a supermarket of goods when they can eat only so much, unless they want to be sick for overeating rather than because of the virus.                                                                                                                   Not everybody though is exercising one’s common sense or rationality so one has to be open minded and try not to judge other people’s behaviours that oneself might have enacted in moments of panic at some point in one’s life.                                        Patience is key, especially in times like these.

– I don’t have a TV set and don’t read papers but I am bombarded by all sorts of information coming from everywhere, how come?                                                                                 I am not sure how we ended up in such a mess where there is all sorts of information going around that is contradictory and possibly misleading, whereas I would rather like to understand what is going on in the world in fact …                                                                    I personally always took what is in the main stream media with a pinch of salt after experiencing first hand when I was young that what is written in papers is not always necessarily true; obviously things haven’t changed much since then.                                          It is really down to myself to do my own research if I want to grasp a bit of truth and understand what is going on behind the scenes.                                                                                       I know it is a tiring job but it obliges me to rely more on my own intuition and pay attention to my own inner voice when it speaks or to take heed of my dreams.

– I am sick and tired of this power game that is going on everywhere, can we stop it please?                                                                                                                                                                                    I know, it is insane and it won’t take us anywhere good either.                                                      The power game has been going on for thousands of years and it is still going on right now unfortunately: what will humanity do about it?                                                                Wanting power over others is actually the most virulent and contagious virus ever existed and it is very likely that it might have struck again, it is definitely much worse and more contagious than the so called Covid 19.                                                                    Resume your inner work Gabriella: where are you craving for power in your life?                Are you treating yourself with respect or are you a tyrant to yourself?                                  How strong and balanced are you?                                                                                                               Are you compassionate towards yourself or are you enslaving yourself to an impossible and unreachable agenda?

The lockdown process                                                                                                                                                    These are some of the questions/thoughts and feelings that I have been asking and experiencing myself during lockdown, they are not all because this process is still unfolding right now.                                                                                                                                                      I also noticed that my moods would oscillate like a sinusoidal curve and every time I was experiencing a surge it would take me to a different place compared to the previous surge and the same would happen for my down moments.                                    Where am I right now?                                                                                                                                                 I am not sure but what I am certain is that I am in a process that I don’t know where it will take me …                                                                                                                                                                   It has been a bit like tracking my female cycle: the only certainty is that it will change and surprise me with unfathomable ways every month.                                                            How has it been for you?                                                                                                                                           If you would like to discover more about your ‘inner seasons’ not of lockdown but of your female cycle, check my work with women on www.flyinginspiration.com.          May these unpredictable times bring us opportunities to discover more about ourselves and help us grow to help humanity evolve.                                                                        Love and hugs from The Flying Witch